Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
