My nipple is on Facebook.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
