turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
