When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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