I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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