His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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