Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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