tonight lets celebrate not being married
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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