ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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