Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
