I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
