Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
