mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
