Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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