I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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