dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
