I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
