Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i have herpe
just one?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
