4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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