Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
