I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
