I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
