It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
