And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
