I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
