am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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