it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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