there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
