we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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