He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
