I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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