i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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