dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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