You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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