You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
