i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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