How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
