There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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