I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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