The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
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I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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