the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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