Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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