I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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