I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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