so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
