Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
