I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
