If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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