the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
