Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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