Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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