I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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