brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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