New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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