I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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