Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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