Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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