Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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